This is kindof how I feel sometimes.
We get some of our best sayings from our kids. But Evan has had some really good ones that have stuck with us through the years. There’s “Mom’s a punk.”, said in jest I think, I hope. And “Mommy’s beautiful!”, if he’s trying to get something he wants. But our favorite and the longest lasting is “Beat your butt”. Now if you don’t know Evan, I’m sure you’ve figured out by now that his speech can be a challenge for many to understand. But for whatever reason, this comes out clear as a bell every single time he says it. EVERYONE understands him when he says this; pastors, school principals, grandmas and aunts. And he loves to tell people that he is going to Beat Your Butt. Those that know Evan have fun with it. We know it is, believe it or not, a term of endearment. But try and explain that to the grocery check-out girl.
Lately, his new saying is “I’m Done!” As in, “I’m done with haircuts!”, “I’m done with school!” “I’m done with doctor!” and my personal favorite, “I’m done with Luke Bryan!”. (Aren’t we all?) Anytime he doesn’t want to do something, anything, most things of late, he informs us, “I’m done!” And like I eluded to, he is done with most things that involve any kind of work, stress … or the music of Luke Bryan.
And you know what? Lately, I’m done too. I want to put myself in timeout, lock myself in the bathroom. I want to stick my fingers in my ears and sing “La-la-la! I can’t hear you!” I want a permanent vacation. I want to be the ostrich with her head stuck in the sand. But unfortunately, life doesn’t work that way.
I want to be done with those things that hurt my baby who isn’t so much of a baby or anywhere close to it anymore. It’s painful to see your child that was once stared at with smiles because his disabilities were cute now being stared at with trepidation and given a wide berth. Is it because they don’t want to risk speaking with someone they don’t completely understand? Maybe it’s the struggle of how to explain special needs to their own gawking kids? Or maybe they’ve seen the more unpredictable side of growing into an adult with special needs and don’t want to be near that either? It has been a pleasant surprise to see a couple of unexpected people connect with us. I wonder if they’re more understanding because they may have experienced the strain of finding a place of acceptance … And it’s a disappointment to see others become silent when I thought they would be my son’s biggest champions.
So yes, I want to be done. Done with the pain of seeing my son rejected. Done with seeing him in physical pain. Done with the pain that comes from those that I hoped knew better.
And as usual, God has something bigger for me to learn from the trials of this world … I am reminded of Christ’s battle before and on the cross. God the Father is very familiar with seeing his son rejected, in great physical pain and seeing those who fell away when the going got tough. And if he didn’t let Christ out of it, if he saw it was for the better good, (duh, Christ saved us with that big plan!) he must be seeing our much more minor trial is somehow for our betterment as well. And Christ, after knowing it was his Father’s will to continue to his sinless death, offered forgiveness to others.
I’ve said it before, I know God’s plan is way better that whatever scheme I could set up. So, while I so badly want to be done, I guess I may as well settle in and let him do his work.
Bible Verse I’m Loving Today:
“Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done.”
Song I’m Loving Today:
Done by The Band Perry (Please enjoy the Perry brothers haircuts – or lack there of.)