Who I Could Have Been …

Maybe you’ve seen them.  The blogs that are making the rounds that a few special needs parents have written about who their children might have been had they been born without their disability.  It’s a raw and honest look at their hearts that I can appreciate.  However, it isn’t one I personally dwell on much at all.  I tend to look more at who I could have been had my Evan been born differently …

Without Evan’s daily needs I would have been bored.  And we all know where boredom leads.  You know the saying, “Idle hands are the Devil’s playground.”  When Evan is around there is no being lazy.  He keeps us on our toes.  (Or in the ER.)  Without him constantly asking me to get up off the couch I might just be sitting there, eating sleeves of the newest Oreo flavor (Is it white fudge-covered season yet?!) with my nose pressed into a book or watching reruns of Sherlock over and over.

Evan keeps me constantly learning.  One of my favorite things is learning about science and medicine without actually going to med school, of course.  (See previous paragraph about the couch & Oreos.)  If I didn’t have Evan’s constantly changing medical history I would possibly be craving this knowledge elsewhere.  I’m thankful one of my interests is fed right here at home.  And my love for learning is put to use immediately.  

I’ve mentioned before that Evan keeps me humble by calling me a punk multiple times each day.  But I am truly humbled daily by the fact that I cannot raise this boy alone.  I need my husband.  So often we are prone to seeing only the weaknesses in others.  Evan’s needs give me the benefit of seeing my husband’s strengths on a daily basis.  Sure, this can be maddening for an independent girl such as myself!  Needing someone else to live life is, without a doubt, humbling.  So for this independent girl, I can’t help but wonder if without disability would I see my need so plainly?

I don’t dwell on who Evan might have been without his disabilities because on this side of seeing Jesus again, I don’t believe there is such a person.  I believe that this is exactly how my God intended Evan to be.  Psalm 139:13 says, “… you knit me together in my mother’s womb … I am fearfully and wonderfully made.”  I believe this is true for you and for me.  So why would it be any different for Evan and others with disabilities?  

So many times we think God isn’t doing anything in the lives of our children with disabilities because we aren’t seeing the changes in them.  But maybe God is working in not only our children, but those around them also to bring Him glory?  So I am so thankful for how God knit Evan together.  When I look at who I could have been without his disabilities I don’t particularly like that me.   I can’t wait to see who we all become when God is finished working on us. 

Bible Verse I’m Loving Today:
Psalm 139:13-16

13For you created my inmost being; 
you knit me together in my mother’s womb. 
14I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; 
your works are wonderful, 
I know that full well. 
15My frame was not hidden from you 
when I was made in the secret place, 
when I was woven together in the depths of the earth. 
16Your eyes saw my unformed body; 
all the days ordained for me were written in your book 
before one of them came to be.
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I Read A Book! Lecrae’s Unashamed 

I don’t know Lecrae. Obvious? But as a Christian, I know Lecrae. We both are promised by God we will not fit in. We will be rejected because of our faith in Jesus. Our identity is in Christ for both of us. And we both want to live this life unashamed by who we are in Christ. I know Lecrae. 


You don’t have to like rap to like this book. It deals with many of life’s hard realities from which some Christians try to turn their heads. Look away. If it doesn’t affect me directly then it isn’t really a problem. I’m not gonna lie. It’s a hard book to read right from the start. These are tough things Lecrae has lived, no doubt. My first thoughts were that these were some things many of us had experienced. The fatherless. This affects all types of families across boundaries. Music is an escape for almost every teenager. And living divided lives is a familiar story for many Christians. But then he addresses the rest of his story.

Lecrae doesn’t shy away from revealing the life he’s endured. Sexual and physical abuse as a young child are hard things to read about. I’ve been a foster parent. I know about this stuff. But remember, Lecrae has already established us as one in Christ. A feeling of knowing someone makes this a more personal story. It’s a tough thing to know there are so many children experiencing this as if it is a part of life.

Abuse is just a part of the challenging childhood Lecrae lived. Like he says, people like me who grew up in rural America really can’t grasp this world he has had to learn to navigate. 

By the time Lecrae decides to follow Jesus he assumes, like so many of us, that life will magically become easier. Nope. It doesn’t work that way. Quite the opposite. We crawl, we walk, we stumble, we get up again. Some of us get up & run. And some of us stumble more than others in our Christian walk. Lecrae (and I) did a lot of stumbling and he shares this road as he learns he needs a Savior. 

My favorite part of Lecrae’s story is the one that seems to still be evolving. He knows the best part of God’s plan is to tell others our story. Even the tough stuff. And that doesn’t mean we only share our story with only other Christians. What good does a saving story do for those who are already saved? Jesus kept moving in the world, sharing his life. He didn’t sit with only the saved. He came to save the sick. 

Lecrae knows being in the world is a tempting place. He has placed people in his life to help protect him along the way. He continues to experience what God has promised: we will not fit in. But I love that Lecrae has learned to live Unashamed.